Back Again
by lilkitty26
Summary: Sequel to previous fic I posted called 'Every Time'. Picks up right where 'Every Time' left off. Buffy is in a familiar place with someone dear to her that she lost long ago...it goes from there. Totally AU!


Back Again: A sequel to 'Every Time'

I know I exist, because I can feel my body. Yet it feels like I am separated from it, like I am floating above it. I don't know where I am, there is all this mist getting in my eyes making it hard to distinguish anything. There isn't too much I remember, my brain is all fuzzy, things are jumbled in my head. I look down at my arms, at my wrists and see the deep gashes, the blood trickling from the wounds and suddenly I gasp. What happened to me? What did I do? I suddenly have the distinct feeling that someone was leading me somewhere, but I think we got lost because I am all alone now. In confusion I start to run. Someone is screaming and I run towards the sound and that's when I realize that the screams are coming from me. I trip over something and fall to the ground on my hands and knees and I have never been as frightened as I am now. Then I remember it was Spike that was leading me. I remember it now. He had my hand and we were walking into a light. Now I am here and I am alone and Spike is gone, where did he go?

"Spike!"

I yell his name, but find that my voice is quickly swallowed as the mist swirls around me, thicker and thicker.

Crawling on my hands and knees I begin to sob. I am more scared than I have ever been and I'm supposed to be stronger than fear. Suddenly a hand thrusts down from the mist and I reach for it, grabbing hold as someone or something helps me to my feet. I stand unsteadily and desperately try to see through the thick fog surrounding me. Where is this person or thing that has saved me? I hear footsteps and suddenly the cloudy mist of this place seems to lift and a figure emerges, dressed all in white. Such beauty, such gentility. I can't help but be in awe as the figure walks closer. I narrow my eyes as the white figure approaches and then a sound comes from my throat and a realization hits me.

"Mom?"

"Buffy."

"Mom...h-how...w-why...I don't understand!"

My mother closes the distance between us, her white robes undulate in waves around her feet and I can see her golden hair, it's shining. Her eyes are as soft and comforting as I remember and a lump rises in my throat.

"M-mom...m-mommy...you're here...why are you here?"

Mom reaches out with her hand and touches my face gently. I close my eyes and suddenly I feel like I'm home again. My mother's touch seems to make my fears melt away. I throw my arms around her and bury my face in her shoulder. She even smells the same...like lilac perfume...and that fruity shampoo she used to use.

"Buffy."

She says my name again in that soft breathy voice and I lift my head and meet her eyes.

"Mom?"

"You shouldn't be here," Mom said as she held me at arms length. She took my left wrist in her hand and stared at the deep gash, her eyes filling with tears.

"What did you do?"

I tug my wrist from her grasp as tears fill my eyes. I cross my arms over my body, hugging myself. I know that I can't lie to my own mother. I never could, she'd always see right through any lie I could come up with.

"It was too much," I say dully. "I couldn't take it anymore. It seemed like everything that was right about my life before...just didn't make sense anymore."

"Oh honey," Mom murmured, stroking my hair. "It doesn't have to be that way. Just because fate ended one calling, doesn't mean there isn't another one around the bend."

I whirl to face this angelic creature, my mother and I frown.

"What do you mean?"

She is smiling down at me and I have never felt so safe and secure.

"There's so much more waiting out there for you. You're not ready to be here. It's not your time. You're stronger than this," she says stroking my cheek.

I find myself getting angry, it is building inside of me and I can't contain it anymore.

"When does it get to be _my_ time, huh? When do I get a rest? Two times I've died and both times I've come back. Can't I find peace...just for once?"

Mom shook her head at me, her hair tumbling around her shoulders in golden waves.

"Not this way, Buffy. Never this way," she said clasping my wrist in her hand again. I stare down at the angry slashes again and grimace.

"When it is your time, you will know."

I wrench my wrist away and angry tears are cascading down my cheeks, I can't stop them.

"I want it to be my time, _now_!" I cry throwing my face into my hands as the sobs consume my entire body. "There's nothing left, nothing at all now that he's gone!"

"You mean, Spike?"

"Yes," I whimper. "I love him...love him so much...then he was taken away...away from me!" I sobbed as I fell to my knees. "He was here...after...after I ended it...and he was holding me...and it was right and good...why isn't he here with me?"

Mom helped me to my feet once again and pressed my head to her shoulder.

"Ssh...stop your crying...you don't have to be afraid anymore…there is so much waiting for you and it's coming sooner than you think."

I lift my head and brusquely swipe the tears running down my cheeks.

"What do you mean?" I sniff, staring at mom as she smiles her gentle, tender smile down at me. That smile bathes me in its warm glow and I can't help but bask in it.

"Spike's time wasn't up. He was taken too soon...there's so much a good soul like him could accomplish. But he can't do it alone. He needs you," Mom said.

"I-I don't understand," I stammer. "Then why was he here? Why did I see him? Where did he go? Am I supposed to find him?"

Mom shook her head at me and released me from her arms.

"I know you have questions, honey. I can't answer those for you now. I _can _tell you that you are getting another chance, just like Spike did."

"Wait...another chance...but I don't want-"

Mom pressed a finger to my lips to silence my pleas.

"Hush now, Buffy. All will be revealed in due time."

Then my mother starts to fade...the mist is rolling in and mom is fading away.

"No!" I cry reaching out to her. "Not yet...don't go!"

"Due time, Buffy. Remember that. You have to be the strong woman that I know you can be. Fight this. Beat it. There's so much more waiting for you."

"Mommy!"

"I love you, honey. We'll see each other soon, I promise. Give love to Dawn, tell her I miss her."

As she spoke the words I could hear them getting softer and softer as she dissolved into the thick mist. I fell to the ground, sobbing, pleading,and begging, just then realizing I was alone again. Mom's words washed over me and slowly I got to my feet. The mist was thick and I stumbled along through it, fearing I would lose myself in it.

Suddenly the place that I was in began to swirl around me. First it was slow and then the spinning got faster and faster. I felt like I was on a funny rollercoaster or a really fast carousel. I tried to hold on, but the spinning picked up speed and the light got brighter and then it stopped. When my eyes focused, I saw...myself. I was hovering over a hospital room and there she was...me... in a hospital bed.My body ishooked up to machines, the pall of death covering my face, deep shadows underneath my eyes. I can't believe that's me. What did I do to myself? When did things get this out of control?

Beforeany other thoughts raced through my mind, I was suddenlybeing funneled back into my body, could feel the essence that was me slowly returning. But it wasn't like the last time. The last time a vicious spell knotted my bones back together, stretched my skin over my muscles. This time, it was slower and there was no pain. Then...light...bright light...I was back.

"Oh my God...oh my God…Giles!"

"W-what...what is it Dawn?"

"Her eyes...they're open!"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive...Giles...look...s-she's back..."

"Stay here. I'm getting a doctor."

I don't know how long I was in the hospital. It seemed like years...an eternity. I went in and out of consciousness. Doctors came in, poked and prodded. I slept in fits and starts. There was no pain...I think I vaguely heard someone say something about morphine, but I wasn't sure. Then one day, I opened my eyes and my head was clear. No more fog. Dawn and Giles were standing above me. I frowned, my eyes swinging wildly back and forth. I tried to speak, but the tube in my throat prevented that.

"Hold on, Buffy. I'll get a doctor to pull that tube out," Giles said softly. He pressed a palm to my forehead and smiled softly at me, his green eyes gentle and kind. "Hold on."

All I could do was nod and then Giles was gone and Dawn was leaning over me. It scared me a little to see how much she'd aged and she was only eighteen years old. Tears began to build in my eyes and I whimpered.

"Ssh...Buffy...don't cry...please..." Dawn said with a sniff as tears welled in her brown eyes. "You're back...a-and I don't know how or why...it's...well...a miracle..."

Dawn stroked my hair and I slowly lifted my hand and pressed it to her cheek. My arm trembled and Dawn took my hand in hers, squeezed gently, and then placed it back at my side. That was when a doctor followed by a nurse came rushing into the room. The nurse took Dawn by the shoulders and gently moved her away. Then the doctor was leaning over me, his friendly eyes comforted me a bit.

"Ok, Miss Summers, I'm going to pull this tube out of your throat. Now what I need you to do is take a deep breath and then blow when I ask you to. Can you do that for me?"

I nodded. My eyes widened...as a cold sliver of fear inched down my spine. I took a deep breath and the doctor closed his fingers around the tube and then said 'blow' and I did. Then I felt the tube coming out and was seized with a choking and coughing fit. The nurse was at the ready with water. She put the straw in my mouth and I drank, feeling the cool liquid slide down my throat.

"Thanks," I croaked as the nurse smiled and then straightened my blankets.

Then Dawn and Giles were back at my side, and suddenly I was a little embarrassed. I looked down at my wrists. They were wrapped in thick bandages, tiny spots of blood stained the gauze and a wave of guilt washed over me.

"You guys I-"

I tried to explain, but Giles was shaking his head and Dawn had started to weep.

"Buffy...you don't have to...I mean..." Giles stopped and then pulled a chair closer to my bed. He took my hand in his and I started to cry.

"I wish you would have said something...anything...we could have helped...would have tried..."

I shook my head violently as the tears fell and the sobs shook my shoulders.

"Oh God...there was nothing anyone could have done...it was me...and I was selfish and stupid and _wrong_," I sobbed, covering my face with my hand to hide the shame I was feeling.

Giles sighed and pressed his forehead to the bed railing as his emotions overcame him. I could hear Dawn's sobbing from my other side and then she was gone...running from the room. Giles straightened and in a panic, stood to go after my sister. Then he looked at me as if asking for permission.

"Go after her Giles," I said softly. "She needs you."

With a nod, he ran out of the room and in the direction that Dawn had taken off in. I sighed, wiped the tears from my eyes and turned my head to the side, staring ahead blankly. I hope you were right about this mom, I thought to myself.

I was released from the hospital two days later. Even though the doctor had urged me to see someone about my emotional and mental health, Giles insisted that I would be cared for properly at home. I wasn't so sure about that, but I hardly had the strength to protest. I was just so tired and it seemed that this whole thing was catching up to me. The worst part about this ordeal? Dawn still hadn't spoken to me and I wondered how long she was going to be angry at me. I hoped that I could find some way to get her to forgive me. For now, I couldn't see too much further than my own bed.

So, I was settled in at home and Giles ran off to make some phone calls. He was going to call everyone, which meant Xander and Willow and ask them to come to Rome to see me. He said he hoped that a visit from my friends would make my transition a little smoother. The silence of the room helped calm me. I stared down at my wrists. The bandages were to come off in a day or so. The cuts had been stitched up and didn't hurt that badly. Maybe it was the morphine. The skin itched terribly and it took everything inside of me to not scratch. The painkillers were starting to kick in and I felt myself getting sleepy. As I drifted off, I barely saw Dawn enter my room and by then I was out like a light.

I knew I was dreaming, because suddenly I was back in the Hellmouth the day it all came crashing down. In a panic, I looked around; saw the rag tag band of potentials fighting the First's army and the urge to join the fight came over me. The old instincts were back, the adrenaline, the power. But, just as I was about to join in, a voice made me turn my head. It was Spike and he was standing in front of me. I looked behind his shoulder and there was Spike...a second Spike...standing against the wall of the Hellmouth...the light bursting from the amulet around his neck...then I saw me...huh...wha? I turned my confused eyes to the Spike standing in front of me. It was really him, too. Flesh and blood, platinum blonde hair, the leather duster and ever-present cigarette.

"Nice to see you again love," he drawled around the cigarette in his mouth. He took a drag and then tossed the cigarette off to the side. "Gave us a bit of a scare there."

"What's going on?" I asked. "Why am I here again?"

"You never left," he said, coming to stand beside me.

"What?"

"In here," he tapped my head with his finger. "You never left this place. You're stuck."

I shook my head in confusion as the battle waged around us.

"Can they see us?" I asked.

"No pet. They can't. Guess the 'Powers' mean to teach you a lesson," Spike said.

"Huh, who are the 'Powers'?"

"'The Powers that Be...who else?"

"I am definitely _not_ liking this dream," I said more to myself than anything.

"Come with me, pet. There's some things I need to show you," Spike said holding his hand out to me. Uneasily I slipped my hand in his and then looked into his eyes, searching for some kind of answer. A strange sense of deja-vu washed over me.

"Haven't we done this before?" I asked.

Spike shook his head as we began to walk out of the Hellmouth. I stared in awe as the scene unfolded the same way it had before. I saw my other self and the other Spike; their hands were laced and ablaze. The Hellmouth was crumbling, the First was being defeated and Spike...the otherSpike (God, this was confusing… dumb dream) was telling me to run away, to get out as fast as I could. Then, in a flash of light the Hellmouth was gone and suddenly Spike and I were standing...in the bathroom?

"Spike, what is going on...why are we-"

The words died in my throat as my eyes took on the scene unfolding before me. This bathroom was familiar. I was staring at my self, like gazing into a mirror. But this image I didn't want to see. I saw the other Buffy lower herself into the bathtub, take the knife to her wrists...and then I couldn't watch anymore. I turned my head.

"Oh no, Slayer. No turning away. You have to see this, you _need_ to see this," Spike said urging me to turn my head with the slight pressure of his finger beneath my chin.

"No," I moaned. "Not again. Please don't make me live through that again." I shook my head and tried to turn away in disgust, in shame, but Spike was still holding my shoulders tightly.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Spike asked his eyes boring into mine, his head tilted in that crazy way of his.

"No...no...just get me out of here...take me back… take me back! I don't want to see anymore!" I wailed pressing my palms to my eyes as the tears fell. "Please!"

The door to the bathroom burst open and Dawn came rushing in, screaming, and crying. She lifted the lifeless body from the tub and laid it on the floor gently. She made a faulty attempt at CPR and then lost control. I tried to go to her, tried to help her, but Spike's strong grip kept me at his side.

"No cheating, love. Got to watch how it plays out. You've got to see."

"But I've got to help her," I said through gritted teeth. "She...I...I'll die!"

"Just watch," Spike said.

I stopped struggling and turned to watch as a wisp of smoke or something lifted from my lifeless body and soared into the air. Narrowing my eyes, I tried to figure out what it was.

"Your soul, love...it got trapped...or stuck...or something like that...but you see...I set it free," Spike said turning me to face him as tears raced down my cheeks.

"How?" Iasked, as alightning bolt of shock hit me.How was this possible? Spike saved me? But wasn't he...dead...or to be technical about it..._deader_?

The scene in front of Spike and I froze. Spike took my hands in his. They weren't cold surprisingly, and I looked up in alarm.

"I saved you," he said softly enunciating each word slowly and carefully. "You remember the promise right? The night of the big fight with Glory? You asked me to promise. I took care of Dawn, but I also made a promise to myself. To save you. Never got to fulfill that promise...until now."

"Spike..."

"No...listen to me love," Spike framed my face with his hands and brushed away the tears that slipped down my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. "You have to live. You have to make a promise...to yourself. I'll help you. Giles and Dawn will help you...but you need to do this for yourself."

I shook my head.

"What if I'm scared...terrified...huh? Then what? What happens after that?"

"You're not scared of anything, love. Seen it for myself. Seen you take on every nasty that's come across your path. I know you're strengths, Buff. So don't play thatbloody game with me. Remember I've heard all your tunes before," he said plainly. "I know _you_."

Spike's eyes grew soft and tender asa small smile crept across his pale features. He took a step back and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, thrusting one in his mouth. Our eyes met and held and I could feel something like love swelling inside of me, it was powerful, hard to contain. I missed him terribly, realized how much a part of my life he really was. I wished with all that was inside of me that he was real. But this was just a dream.

"If you need me...you'll know where to find me," he said taking bigger steps back.

"What? W-where are you going? Spike, I don't understand!" I wailed.

"You'll know where to look, love!" Spike called as cigarette smoke whirled around him like a cloud. "You'll know and then you'll come. 'Til then I'll be waiting!"

"Spike!" I called as he faded away. "Don't go! Wait!"

"Come find me," his voice said softly in my ear. "Find me, love…I'll be waiting right here when you do."

I woke with a start and sat straight up. My chest heaved as I struggled to catch my breath. Suddenly Dawn was at my side.

"Ssh...lay back down. You just had a bad dream," Dawn said soothingly as she stroked my hair and gently guided my head back to the pillows. "C'mon Buffy...relax...you've just got to relax...y-you want me to get Giles?"

I shook my head 'no' and pressed my palm to my forehead.

"Some dream," I murmured.

I lay there a moment, letting my thoughts wrap around what had just happened. The impact of the dream lingered with me still as the night crept along. I was comforted by Dawn's presence in the room, but also a little uneasy. It made me sad to think that she felt she needed to watch my every move, as if I would try to do something crazy again. I didn't blame her though. As for my strange dream, a part of me was starting to believe that I didn't have the whole story on Spike. I knew exactly where I would need to go to get this information. It niggled at the corner of my mind and suddenly a slow smile spread across my lips. Angel. He was the one that would hold all the answers.

I would pay him a visit. Soon...

TO BE CONTINUED...

A/N: I hate to kick the proverbial dead horse here, but if you read plz review. Even if it's bad. I can handle it and I promise my feelings won't be hurt. I don't mind feedback, really!


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